My AD/HD

I wish I had someone in the past to tell me what I know now…..someone to explain to me why I am the way that I am and why trying to keep up with societal norms (specifically in academia) was so hard. Why I can do extraordinary things without trying to and why I was labeled “lazy” for not equalizing these acts in the classroom. This is my personal testimony…..and…..honestly, the first time I have EVER talked in depth about the struggles (growing resilience) and the eye-opening revelations I have come to accept and harness as ME. So, here we go…..ugh, already getting emotional and proud to write this…..but, yes, here we go…..

I call it “flying-under-the-radar.” As a child, I was extremely active just like any other child; I played sports, always outdoors. However, my activity was different…..you will never find me completely still (unless I am sleeping). Still, to this day, I prefer to sit in a chair that rocks….if that is unavailable, you will casually find some part of me constantly moving….whether that be tapping my foot or running my fingers through my hair; subconsciously releasing my excess energy brings me…..peace. Growing up, I quickly excelled at soccer and have played at extremely high levels all my life, collecting accolades, awards and recognition in the athletic world…..I loved it, I was relieved of constraints and structure that allowed me to be me…..freedom. In school, it was completely different. I always strive to be the best; do the best…..in all areas of life. However, being in the classroom was mind boggling unbearable. I yearned to get good grades and make my teachers proud, but…..I just could not…..no matter how hard I tried. My extraordinary talent in soccer superseded my performance in the classroom and I “flew-under-the-radar.” You would have never known, except for my parents and teachers….even my classmates would choose me when we were instructed to form groups….and I would think, “bruh…..you picked the wrong one.”

My relentless hard work in soccer had earned me a scholarship to NC State University. My grades were just good enough to squeak by…..but, this pattern continued into the second year of college. As a Division I Student-Athlete you have standards that need to be met in the classroom. I had tutors, mandatory study hall, focus groups and meetings with my academic coordinator (I would not dare miss any of these scheduled meetings because not only would I have to run sprints, my whole team would…..because of me!)…..but, alas to no avail…..there had been no improvement. The decision was made for me to see a psychologist and get tested. I was diagnosed with AD/HD Type C (Combined Type) which is both Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) combined. ADD is the kind where I can be sitting in a classroom, calm, looking right at the teacher and my mind be somewhere else…..thinking of why there is one uneven ceiling tile when it should be even with the others (who installs an uneven ceiling tile, honestly?). ADHD is the kind where I am uncontrollably restless and need to deplete my immediate excess energy. I remember vividly, on more occasions than I would like to admit, sitting in college classrooms and wanting to get up so bad that all I wanted to do was run and rip my Professor’s head off for keeping the class longer than the allotted time! I felt like there was a bomb inside of me and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs; a feeling so intense it is indescribable…..the fact that we are able to have that much self control and seem completely okay on the outside is an unmatched asset and ability in itself. Now…..I have both (AD/HD) and the uncanny ability to subconsciously switch between the two. That is right, without directly choosing, my mind will pick what is best for me and filter out what I do not need to give my attention to. Mind blown…..I know! The AD/HD mind is amazing! Hence, the reason our minds drift off is because we are thinking of things more interesting in life that require our attention…..we are the leaders of change and ideas, creativity and making impossible…..possible.

I was prescribed Adderall (Amphetamine Salts) to correct the “chemical imbalance” in my brain in regards to staying focused on the tasks at hand in the classroom. Well ya’ll…..it worked. My grades went from D’s to A’s and maybe one B…..I was able to complete my work and perform in the allotted time for each class. It was so rewarding to see my hard work pay off…..but there was a drawback. After a time, coming “down” from taking Adderall was awful. When the medication began to wear off, I would feel irritable, angry and most of all…..not myself. There had to be another way! Why it took me almost ten years of failing miserably in school to realize this, is beyond me…..but, I needed to change HOW I approached learning on MY terms. School has a protocol on how all students should learn…..but the thing is…..all kids are different (obviously). I have always been creative and artistically inclined and began tunneling my focus on the way I literally wrote each letter of the alphabet. I focused on the lines and curves, the pressure I used bearing down on my pens and pencils…..and in doing so, I was able to remember and picture everything in my head that I was writing. I was able to succeed in school WITHOUT medicine and STILL rise above my peers with my creativity. I like who I am; I like the way I was born; I do not need medication to live up to societal norms…..why try and fit in, when I was born to stand out! I encourage all parents of those with AD/HD to keep trying with your kids….they have the ability to succeed above and beyond what is considered average/normal…..they just have to find their outlet to unlock their potential. Once their way of learning has been cultivated, there is no mountain they cannot climb.

To my fellow AD/HDers…..when unconstrained, things come easy to you…..you are naturally talented; completely and undeniably extraordinary. Do you think Vincent Van Gogh, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein let the average/normal world defile their AD/HD minds? No, they found their outlet and unlocked their potential…..what would the world be like if these minds had not existed? You have the power to make real change in this world; a trailblazer ready to create a life worth remembering. I believe in you because I personally know it can be done. Also, if you hear someone casually say in conversation “I am so ADD today” or “excuse my ADHD”, do not take offense or call them out…..just know that every time you hear these phrases, you are reminded of how lucky you are to be able to think SO differently…..that most of the world will never EVER be able to reach your level of creative thinking; no matter how hard they try. You badass!

I hope this post brings you closer to understanding an AD/HD mind and eliminates the stigma AD/HD has acquired in society. I have only scratched the surface of my experiences I can share with y’all. In the future, I will continue with posts; as it it relates to AD/HD…..in the workplace, relationships, handling confrontation, and from my Husband’s point of view…..what it is like being married to me; parenting our two amazing children. Feel free to comment with any and all questions you have or if you would like to share your own personal experiences! Love y’all!

XOXO,

Kendallraye